Truly free?
Do you have the courage to be disliked?
True freedom is the courage to be disliked.
I don’t know about you, but whenever I have tried to ‘be liked’ by others - I have always failed. Always. And it takes a lot of courage (and thick skin) to be oneself (and eventually disliked by others for not fitting-in).
The book The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga offers profound insights into Adlerian psychology*, emphasizing personal freedom, self-acceptance, and the importance of community.
Here are the atomic ideas (and hard-hitting quotes) from the book:
Freedom from the past and future
The book emphasizes that individuals are not defined by their pasts or constrained by their futures. Adlerian psychology posits that people can change at any moment through their current choices and actions.
A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one's comparison with one's ideal self
The past does not dictate one's future; instead, it is the decisions made in the present that shape our lives.
This perspective empowers individuals to take control of their lives, embracing the notion that "the only thing that matters is the present moment."
Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn't that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy.
The Courage to Be Disliked
A central theme of the book is the importance of living authentically without seeking external validation. The authors argue that true happiness comes from the courage to be disliked by others.
The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness
This involves rejecting societal pressures and norms in favor of genuine self-expression. The freedom to be oneself, even at the cost of disapproval, is essential for achieving personal fulfillment.
"To be free is to be willing to be disliked."
Separation of Tasks
Understanding the distinction between one's own responsibilities and those of others is crucial for personal freedom and healthy relationships. By recognizing what tasks belong to whom, individuals can avoid unnecessary conflicts and focus on what they can control.
It's that you are disliked by someone. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles
This concept encourages people to let go of the need to manage others' opinions or feelings, fostering a more peaceful existence. The idea is encapsulated in the insight that "your task is your own, and others have theirs."
The Pursuit of Recognition
The book critiques the relentless search for approval and recognition from others, suggesting that it leads to dependency and dissatisfaction. True independence arises from self-acceptance and understanding one's intrinsic worth, rather than relying on external validation. The authors encourage readers to shift their focus from seeking acknowledgment to cultivating self-love and appreciation.
"When you stop seeking recognition, you begin to live for yourself,"
Contribution to the Community
Adlerian psychology highlights the significance of community feeling and social interest. The authors assert that genuine happiness is derived from contributing to the well-being of others rather than competing for personal gain. Engaging in acts of kindness and service fosters a sense of belonging and fulfillment.
The book reminds us that "happiness is found in the act of giving, not in the pursuit of personal success."
The Fallacy of Trauma
The authors challenge the common belief that past traumas define individuals. They argue that using past experiences as excuses hinders personal growth. Instead, the focus should be on changing current behaviors and attitudes.
By reframing how we interpret our experiences, we can liberate ourselves from the constraints of trauma.
"It is not the events that traumatize us, but the meanings we attach to them,"
Interpersonal Relationships
The book provides valuable insights into building healthy relationships. It emphasizes treating others as equals, fostering empathy and understanding to create stronger bonds.
The authors advocate for horizontal relationships, where individuals see each other as comrades rather than hierarchically superior or inferior. This approach enhances mutual respect and collaboration, leading to more fulfilling connections.
Lifestyle Determination
The concept of lifestyle determination suggests that individuals shape their lives based on the meanings they assign to their experiences. The authors encourage readers to reevaluate their life narratives and pursue paths that promote personal growth and happiness.
By recognizing that we have the power to redefine our stories, we can create more fulfilling lives.
"You are the author of your own narrative,"
The Importance of Encouragement
Encouragement, rather than praise or rewards, is highlighted as a powerful tool for motivation and transformation. The book argues that encouragement helps individuals recognize their potential and fosters a sense of self-efficacy. This positive reinforcement empowers people to take on challenges and pursue their goals with confidence.
"True encouragement comes from believing in others' abilities,"
Self-acceptance and Forgiveness
Finally, the book underscores the importance of self-acceptance and forgiveness. Individuals who embrace their flaws and forgive themselves for past mistakes can move forward with greater self-compassion. This acceptance reduces the fear of failure and encourages a more authentic way of living.
The authors conclude that "to forgive oneself is to open the door to a life of freedom and joy."The Courage to Be Disliked is a transformative exploration of personal freedom, self-acceptance, and the power of community.
By embracing the courage to be disliked, individuals can break free from societal constraints and embark on a journey of self-discovery and fulfillment. The book serves as a guide for those seeking to redefine their lives through the lens of Adlerian psychology, ultimately leading to a happier and more authentic existence.
*Adlerian psychology, developed by Alfred Adler, is a holistic approach to understanding human behavior and personality development.