Well, most of us tend to avoid difficult conversations for various reasons - ranging from peace of mind to not hurting others/being hurt by others. But here is the ultimate truth: it all comes back biting you (10X size), if you avoid such conversations for too long and sit on them.
So how do you handle them? Well, the first step is to understand the different underlying layers of these conversations and how can you tackle them without raising the room’s blood pressure.
Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values
Sharing atomic ideas from the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
The book highlights that every difficult conversation has three underlying layers that need to be addressed for a productive discussion.
Here's a breakdown of these layers and how to approach them:
The "What Happened" Conversation (Facts and Blame):
This focuses on the disagreement about what transpired, who's to blame, and what should have happened.
The single most important thing you can do is to shift your internal stance from 'I understand' to 'Help me understand’.
How to Handle: Focus on understanding each other's perspectives. Avoid accusations and blaming. Ask clarifying questions and paraphrase what you hear to confirm understanding.
The Feelings Conversation (Emotions and Needs):
This layer deals with the emotions triggered by the situation, like anger, frustration, or hurt. It's about acknowledging and addressing the underlying needs of both parties.
What people most need in a difficult conversation is to feel heard and understood
How to Handle: Validate each other's feelings. Use "I" statements to express your own emotions and their impact.Focus on what you need moving forward.
The Identity Conversation (Self-Perception):
This is the internal dialogue about how the situation reflects on your identity and self-worth. It's about understanding how the conversation might be impacting each other's sense of self.
The intention behind your words will shape the way your message is received.
How to Handle: Acknowledge the potential impact on self-perception. Focus on maintaining a positive self-image for both parties during the conversation.
By addressing all three layers, you can move beyond the surface-level disagreement and have a more productive and respectful conversation.
Have a great time handling difficult conversations!